Here With Me
by Cassandra Mulder
Summary: An argument quickly leads to something else completely unexpected.


Title: Here With Me  
  
Author: Cassandra Mulder  
  
E-mail: dana_mulder32@yahoo.com  
  
Written: October 4-12, 2001  
  
Website: http://www.envy.nu/angelmine  
  
Spoilers: Minor early 6th season "Buffy" stuff.  
  
Rating: PG-13; mainly for a few bad words.  
  
Classification: C/A; angst; romance  
  
Summary: An argument quickly leads to something else completely unexpected.  
  
Disclaimer: Cordelia and (unfortunately) Angel don't belong to me. I'm just making them my puppets for a bit, and getting what I want done, done. LOL "Angel" and the characters therein belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Productions (grrr...argh), 20th Century Fox, and the WB.  
  
Author's Notes: Cordy and Angel began arguing in my head. Isn't that always how this starts? LOL They're always talking in there! So that's where this little story starts. I don't know what happened to start it, but they got to arguing fast. hehe Hope you enjoy!  
***********************************************************************  
  
"NO! NO! NO! *You* just don't get it! You think you can skulk around here, brooding all the time, overprotective, and mooning over me!"  
  
Angel stopped, his jaw nearly dropping to the floor. "What?!"  
  
"What? Don't you dare 'what?' me! I will kick your ass."  
  
Angel's mouth was still hanging open.  
  
"I may be your poor, helpless, clueless Cordy. But news flash! I am not stupid. No matter what you think, I am not stupid."  
  
"I don't think--"  
  
"Shut *up*, Angel! I know that you think I don't know, so you need to tell me why you aren't man enough to tell me."  
  
Angel's confusion was written all over his face. Cordelia had her own special way of being very confusing.  
  
Cordelia just looked at him as if she expected him to say something.  
  
Which she did.  
  
When he didn't, she did her best to hold back a scream, and stormed into the bathroom, slamming the door as hard as she could behind her.  
  
Angel immediately knocked on the door.  
  
"Cordelia."  
  
Silence.  
  
He knocked again. "Cordy."  
  
"Cor-dy," she mocked him.  
  
"Cordelia Chase, I will break this door down if I have to."  
  
She knew he would, but she wasn't scared of him, and she didn't care.  
  
Cordelia shrugged behind the heavy wood. "Your hotel, your door, your repair bill," she called back casually.  
  
Finally she opened the door and stood there staring at him.  
  
"So, are you going to be a man?"  
  
"Are you going to stop being a brat?" he shot back.  
  
She slammed the door in his face.  
  
Before she could lock it again, he grabbed the handle and wrenched it open.  
  
"Come out of there."  
  
Cordelia crossed her arms. "What if I don't want to?"  
  
He made a very low growl and grabbed her arm, careful not to hurt her despite his agitation. He pulled her out of the bathroom, closed the door, and let go of her.  
  
They stood face to face in the hall, neither of them speaking.  
  
Cordelia got sick of the silence first.  
  
"So, do you have something to tell me, Moony Boy?"  
  
Angel didn't know whether to laugh at her or strangle her. The latter was looking like more of a possibility at the moment.  
  
"Not really. Now can we go back to work?"  
  
Cordelia was about to turn back to the bathroom, but Angel grabbed her arm again, stopping her.  
  
"Cordelia."  
  
She raised an eyebrow.  
  
"What I would tell you would complicate matters." Just touching her was complicating matters.  
  
"I'm Miss Complicated."  
  
'Tell me about it' he wanted to say, but thought better of it.  
  
"Angel, do you have a crush on me?" she came right out and asked. She was straightforward after all, wasn't she?  
  
He certainly hadn't expected that.  
  
"No," he said honestly.  
  
Cordelia shrugged and turned to walk away. "Problem solved."  
  
"Cordy."  
  
She turned back to face him.  
  
"Problem's not solved." He might as well do this now, things were only going to get worse. Not to mention more obvious.  
  
"Huh?" she said, puzzled.  
  
"I don't have a crush on you."  
  
"Uh, yeah, we've established that."  
  
"I'm in love with you."  
  
Now it was Cordelia's jaw that dropped.  
  
"Um, that we hadn't established."  
  
Angel's face just said 'see?'  
  
She took two steps forward. "You," she pointed at him, "are in love with me?" She pointed at herself.  
  
"Yes," Angel confirmed, not sure about what to do next.  
  
"Oh, God," she said in a strangled voice.  
  
Angel tried to hide his disappointment. "See, I knew this wasn't a good --"  
  
"No, no, no," Cordelia stopped him, trying to regain her composure. "It's not you, and it's not that -- Oh, boy."  
  
Now she was having trouble breathing it seemed.  
  
She frowned, her hand on her chest. "Angel, I need some air. Be right back, okay?"  
  
He nodded.  
  
She escaped.  
  
"Well, I think that went well," he muttered to himself.  
  
Meanwhile, Cordelia was out on one of the balconies learning how to breathe again.  
  
A few minutes later, she felt Angel's presence behind her.  
  
She didn't turn around. "Did what I think just happened in there just happen in there?"  
  
Angel sighed. She made him do that a lot.  
  
"Yes, Cordelia, it did. And if it bothers you this much, we can just forget it ever happened," he said softly.  
  
Now Cordelia was trying not to cry.  
  
"Do you know what this means?" she asked.  
  
"Well... yeah," he said, thinking the obvious.  
  
"Angel, this is impossible."  
  
"Which is why I didn't want to tell you!"  
  
There was silence.  
  
"Look, none of this even matters, unless --"  
  
"I feel the same way."  
  
"Exactly," Angel said.  
  
"No," Cordelia said, turning around. "*I feel the same way.*"  
  
Realization dawned on Angel's face.  
  
"I love you, stupid!" she cried in frustration.  
  
Angel raised a hand. "I was beginning to get that."  
  
Cordelia breezed past Angel. She couldn't handle this.  
  
Angel followed her.  
  
"Cordy, let's not start this again," he pleaded as they made it into the hall.  
  
She turned to look at him, but she didn't stop there. Cordelia kept heading for the staircase that lead to the lobby.  
  
When they got there, Wesley, Fred, and Gunn were gone.  
  
"Damn," she muttered under her breath. She thought they'd still be down here and it would be safe.  
  
Now it was just her and Angel. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.  
  
Unless she ran out the door and went home. But then she'd just have to come back, so what was the point of the added embarrassment? Or worse yet, Angel would just come after her.  
  
At that thought, she just stood stock still in the middle of the lobby.  
  
"Cordy..."  
  
"Why'd you have to say it?"  
  
"Because you asked."  
  
"That's never stopped you from telling me something before."  
  
"Yeah, well, you're going to have a hard time believing this, but you're getting even harder to resist."  
  
"Angel, don't."  
  
"It's a little late for 'don't', isn't it?"  
  
"Yes!" Cordelia let out a little scream. "How could this --? How did this --?" She couldn't even form a whole sentence anymore.  
  
Angel knew this was trouble, and he wasn't even the one freaking. He should be, too, but Cordelia was freaking enough for both of them.  
  
"Look, I don't know why, I don't know how. It just did."  
  
Cordelia finally regained her voice, along with her memory.  
  
"But Buffy..."  
  
"This isn't about her, Cordy. Buffy was my first love. That was special, I won't try to deny that. But surely you can see that I've moved on, Cordy. It happened long before she died, it just took that to make me realize it. Even after she came back... We are two completely different people now. Too much has happened while we were apart from each other. Neither of us could see it ever working. A part of me will always love her, what I had with her.  
  
"But I don't want you to think you're some kind of replacement for her. I know the difference, and I love *you*."  
  
Cordelia was speechless. For the first time in her life she could not think of a single thing to say.  
  
Angel closed the distance between them, and took her hand.  
  
"The visions, the Powers That Be... They brought us together, they bound us together, in more ways than one. If that's not Fate or destiny, or whatever you want to call it, I don't know what is."  
  
"Well, we know Fate's severely screwed up then, because this can't work, Angel. We both know it can't."  
  
Angel looked into Cordelia's eyes.   
  
"I know, but I've never wanted anything to work so badly in my life."  
  
"Me, too," Cordelia said pitifully, as tears started to fall down her cheeks.  
  
Angel took her in his arms, and just held her. There was nothing he could say to make anything different, but he just wanted to be close to her.  
  
Her warmth seeped through his clothes and into every part of him. He lifted her face up and wiped her tears away as they fell.  
  
"Cordelia, I never wanted to make you cry."  
  
"I know, Angel. But you didn't make me cry, this isn't your fault."  
  
He slowly descended upon her lips. He couldn't resist anymore. She was so warm and soft, it was hard not to get lost in her.  
  
She kissed back, knowing this might be the only chance she got. His skin was cool, his body strong and hard as she leaned into him. He felt amazing, and she didn't know how she was going to let him go.  
  
No one had ever known her like Angel did. Not her parents, not her boyfriends, not her so-called friends. He was the only one that didn't think of her as some evil princess on a pedastal.  
  
She didn't think of Angel as a demon. He was everything to her, but she had to face that something lived inside of him, something that could harm them both. Something that loving her could bring out so much easier than she wanted.  
  
But right now, in this moment, they clung to each other as if their lives depended on it. The desperation between them was almost palpable, and they only broke apart for a second, for Cordelia to take in some much needed air.  
  
They came back together almost violently, hands and arms everywhere, bodies impossibly close together. Lust was not the motive, but the fear of being alone. Of losing the one thing dearly important, of never having the courage to be here again.  
  
After a few minutes of this blinding madness, Angel reluctantly wrenched himself free. Anymore physical contact and they'd go much too far.  
  
He gently untangled Cordelia from him, took her by the wrists, and put her at arm's length. It was the only way to stop the roaring in his brain -- put some distance between them.  
  
She looked him squarely in the eyes, unashamed, but inexplicably saddened. Her breathing had hardly returned to normal, but she was trying to control it. It seemed she was trying to control so many things these days, things that deep down inside she knew she'd never be able to really control.  
  
Angel didn't have the conspicuous side effect of irregular breathing, but since just that one sign of life would mean he could be with Cordelia, he wished to God he did.  
  
"I --" Cordelia started to reach out to him, but quickly withdrew her hand.  
  
"You don't have to say anything, Cordy. There just aren't any words."  
  
"I know," she said softly, looking at the floor. It was all she could do not to collapse onto the ottoman sobbing. Just looking at him would smash her heart into a million pieces.  
  
But she did it anyway. He looked like his heart was doing the same.  
  
Angel couldn't remember the last time he'd actually felt helpless. He always had a battle plan, but this wasn't battle. Not the kind he was used to anyway. This was a battle completely extraordinary, one he was afraid he'd lose.  
  
Cordelia's eyes were filled with tears.  
  
"We shouldn't have --" She ran a hand through her hair. "I can't be near you like this, Angel. I don't know how to be. I want so many things... Damn that curse." She started crying again.  
  
"Are you going to... leave?" Angel asked. He didn't want to, but he had to.  
  
Cordelia let out a strangled little laugh. "Are you crazy, Angel?"  
  
He only responded with a helpless look.  
  
She was solemn again. "No, I'm not going to leave you. I couldn't help you then."  
  
"That's not the reason I need you to stay."  
  
"Well, it's one of the reasons. So I have two reasons to stay."  
  
She walked back up to Angel and put her arms around him.  
  
"I know there are so many things we can't have. But I can live with that as long as I'm with you, and I know you're okay. That's all that matters to me. For now."  
  
"Me, too," Angel said. His suffering had just increased tenfold. He should've learned his lesson with Buffy. Don't fall for anybody. Ever.  
  
Things just never worked out that way.  
  
"You really think we can do this?" he asked.  
  
Cordelia smiled. "We are two of the most stubborn people on this planet. I know we can. It'll be harder than anything we've ever faced, but we can."  
  
"So we're not crazy?"  
  
"Never said that."  
  
"How comforting," he said dryly.  
  
She kissed him once more, softly, and stepped away, still clutching his hand.  
  
"There's a few things I want," she said.  
  
"What's that?" Angel asked.  
  
"No feeling inadequate. I wouldn't be here with you unless I wanted to."  
  
"I'll try."  
  
"Second, I don't want a 'normal' life. You pulled that on Buffy, but it won't work on me. I already have visions, it can't *get* less normal than that. Besides, who can say what's normal?"  
  
"You've always made your own decisions, Cordy. I respect them."  
  
"Wow, no arguments," Cordelia marveled.  
  
"Well, if you want..."  
  
"No, no," Cordelia said, raising her free hand. "That's perfectly all right. Now, is there anything you want?"  
  
"Just you, here with me."  
  
End 


End file.
